grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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