Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
