if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize