I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
