I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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