You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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