Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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