why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
