You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
