It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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