we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize