I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
