never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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