i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
