You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
