I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
