I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
