it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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