There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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