remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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