I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
