So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
