does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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