I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
