Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
