While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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