you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
