On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
