He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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