so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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