a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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