im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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