Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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