I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
