you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
