My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
