today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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