Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
