did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
