Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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