Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize