I feel great
I just peed on a car
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
