brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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