please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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