I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
