I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
