If that was your dad, he is hot
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
