You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
