i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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