my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize