I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
