i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
