can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
