My room smells like vodka and shame
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
