sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
