I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
