I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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