Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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