Apparently you make a good broom.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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