two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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