Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
