God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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