Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize