Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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