Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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