I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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