Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Randomize