The maid of honor just puked.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
