I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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