last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
