Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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