he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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