When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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