Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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