it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
