Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
